Considerations and Resources for the Grieving Couple: Moving Forward in the Wake of Child Loss. Part 3 of 3
This is a continuation of Considerations and Resources for the Grieving Couple: Moving Forward in the Wake of Child Loss, Part 2.
4. Consider ways to memorialize or ritualize your child.
Relational grieving, which includes communal experiences and conversations surrounding your grief, is proven to be a significant factor in grief recovery. This might include regular conversations or communicated memories about the deceased, joint visits to a grave or memorial site, rituals or traditions created around the deceased, or praying and reading religious texts together. If you have other children, you may consider age-appropriate rituals to acknowledge their lost sibling, such as writing birthday cards and baking a cake on their birthday. It may surprise you how much these traditions can become part of the fabric of your family moving forward, ensuring that your lost child always has a place in your hearts.
Whatever the method, it is important to maintain an open line of communication with your partner and other children surrounding the death. All too often, parents advertently or inadvertently create a culture of silence around the lost child—this could be due to shame about the death or fear of the grief itself. These secondary emotions are valid and can be processed in counseling; however, silence may send the message that the child is not worth mourning, or that grief is a “dirty word.” Set an example for your children by using open and accessible language about your lost family member.
In this process, you may find resources like this children’s book, which includes a grief dictionary for children, useful. Your family may even decide on a code word/phrase for grief (e.g. “My heart turned blue when I thought about my sister today”) to facilitate conversation about the lost loved one. There are many ways in which families can normalize the grief process for their other children, exemplifying courage and a willingness to do hard things.
5. Make plans for the future.
Depending on where you are in your grieving process, this step may feel premature. If you resonate with that, I encourage you to revisit this section of the blog at a later time. That said, it’s worth noting that you can begin planning for your future in a myriad of small ways—this step does not need to include life-altering changes. In fact, drastic life changes immediately following a death are not always recommended and may even do further damage if not approached with care.
In spite of these warnings, research has shown that a mothers’ willingness to move forward in her life after child loss positively influences her partner’s grieving process as well as her own. Plan making is also positively associated with healing from grief. But what exactly does moving forward entail? It may be helpful to start with what it is not. Moving forward is not:
Forgetting or “moving on” from your lost child.
Refusing to speak or express emotions about your lost child.
Discontinuing rituals, traditions, or reminiscing about your lost child.
Impulsive decision-making or unnecessary risk-taking.
On the other hand, there are many life-giving ways to make plans for yourself, your spouse, and your family in the wake of your child’s death. These may involve minor changes such as:
Instituting family dinners
A change in physical appearance
A scheduled self-care ritual (e.g. massages, date nights)
Adopting a pet
This planning process could also include more significant changes such as:
Establishing a memorial fund or grief support group for other parents
Planning a family, couple, or solo vacation
Moving
Changing jobs
Expanding your family by way of biological children or adoption
Whether or not you decide to implement changes in the immediate future, the simple act of making plans can be an agent of hope. During this process, you may be confronted with feelings of guilt or fear as you contemplate moving forward without your child. When these feelings hit, you might try the following:
Consider what it is your guilt or fear is trying to accomplish (e.g. “My fear wants me to remember my son forever”)
Reframe this experience with gratitude, embracing the art of “and” (e.g. “I’m thankful that my fear wants me to remember my son. I can remember my son and consider planning something that would relax me this week”)
Concluding Thoughts
As you well know, there is no shortcut through grief. In keeping with the old adage, the only way out is through. However, perhaps grief isn’t a maze from which one can escape, but a garden to be maintained and nurtured. And just as a garden requires pruning and tending for optimum growth, so do the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors associated with your grief. Although the road is long and the way steep, walking towards healing will reap immense benefits for both yourself and your partner. Just as the Lord is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” our prayer and hope is that you learn to reestablish closeness with your partner and family in this trying time (Psalm 34:18).
Additional Resources:
General Grief:
Healgrief.org: helpful blog posts as well as resources for community support, therapists, and grief coaches.
Compassionate Friends: a nation-wide grief share group for bereaved parents.
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Dr. Joan Cacciatore: written by a therapist, grief researcher, and head of the Graduate Certificate of Trauma and Bereavement at Arizona State University.
Healing a Parent’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Child Dies by Dr. Alan Wolfelt: as the title suggests, this book offers practical, concrete approaches to mourning your lost child. This book is part of a series including other titles such as Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart and Healing the Adult Child’s Grieving Heart.
“Terrible, Thanks for Asking,” “Grief Cast,” “What’s Your Grief” and “Grief Works” podcasts: these podcasts come highly recommended on a variety of grief share websites. The first two are insightful yet light-hearted, and the latter two are oriented toward providing education, resources, and inspirational stories.
For Parenting Grieving Children:
A Parent’s Guide to Raising Grieving Children: Rebuilding Your Family After the Death of a Loved One by Phyllis R. Silverman: this book offers guidance about problems specific to the grieving family.
Healing Your Grieving Heart for Kids: 100 Practical Ideas by Dr. Alan Wolfelt: this book is an extension of the title mentioned above, Healing a Parent’s Grieving Heart. Notably, there is also a version of this book for teens.
Scripture on Grief and Loss:
Revelation 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
Psalm 34:17-20 “The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.”
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Psalm 23:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
References
Aizenkot, D. (2022). Meaning-Making to Child Loss: The Coexistence of Natural and Supernatural Explanations of Death. Journal of Constructivist Psychology, 35(1), 318–343. https://doi-org.westernseminary.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/10720537.2020.1819491
Alexy, W. D. (1982). Dimensions of psychological counseling that facilitate the grieving process of bereaved parents. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 29(5), 498–507. https://doi-org.westernseminary.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/0022-0167.29.5.498
Buchanan, D. A. (2022). Examining the Marital Relationship After the Death of a Child. Family Journal, 1. https://doi-org.westernseminary.idm.oclc.org/10.1177/10664807221104129
Janusz, B., Dejko-Wańczyk, K., & Taubner, S. (2020). Mentalizing in Parents after Traumatic Loss. Analysis of Couple Counseling. American Journal of Family Therapy, 48(2), 127–141. https://doi-org.westernseminary.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/01926187.2019.1695235
Klaassen, D. W., Young, R. A., & James, S. (2015). Relational and Spiritual Dimensions of Parental Grieving Les Dimensions Canadian Journal of Counselling & Psychotherapy / Revue Canadienne de Counseling et de Psychothérapie, 49(1), 79–95.
Romanoff, B. D. (1993). When a Child Dies: Special Considerations for Providing Mental Health Counseling for Bereaved Parents. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 15(4), 384–393.
Romney, J., Fife, S. T., Sanders, D., & Behrens, S. (2021). Treatment of Couples Experiencing Pregnancy Loss: Reauthoring Loss from a Narrative Perspective. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 32(2), 134–152. https://doi-org.westernseminary.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/2692398X.2020.1855621
Sussman, Z. (2011, January 1). Supplemental resources for counseling grieving clients. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 33(1), 46.