Considerations and Resources for the Grieving Couple: How to Grieve Together. Part 2 of 3

This is a continuation of Considerations and Resources for the Grieving Couple: Moving Forward in the Wake of Child Loss, Part 1.

In view of the general intentions above, couples may be left wondering, “Sounds great. But how?” The work of grieving may seem an insurmountable task; most days, it’s all you can do just to survive. And although there is no one right way to grieve, there are specific tools you and your partner can use to facilitate the healing process surrounding your child’s death. These tools can be viewed as a way to “bind up” one another’s wounds and grow closer in spite of—perhaps even because of—your suffering (Psalm 147:3).

1. Identify your grief.

As mentioned above, expressions of grief can vary widely from person to person, and certain grieving styles may be misinterpreted as apathy or “insufficient” for the situation at hand. Specifically, studies have shown that women tend to be more verbal and expressive grievers, whereas men tend toward silence, busyness, or avoidance when grieving. 

To bridge the gap between these differing styles, practice describing your grieving process in detail to your partner. You may find it helpful to discuss the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and identify whether this model seems fitting to you and your partner’s respective experiences.

If so, what stage(s) would you say you are in? Has this process been linear or sporadic? What does grief look like for you on a daily basis?

Although this “grief map” will be a vulnerable process, it is important to get specific. It may help to paint a verbal picture for your partner to understand your lived experience of grief. Metaphors as descriptors can be helpful in this exploration (e.g. “My grief is like a big balloon in my chest. Some days it’s shriveled and sinking. Others, it’s so big it bumps into everything inside of me”). 

Additionally, explaining how your grief manifests itself in specific behaviors can be enlightening for your partner (e.g. “When I stare blankly at the wall while doing dishes, I am reliving those last couple of moments, wondering if I could have done something differently;” “I go to the gym everyday after work to distract me from the pain”). Some people even experience grief as physical symptoms, and these may be helpful to name to your partner as well.

If none of the above approaches appeal to you, a more rational method for sharing can be accessed using the cognitive-behavioral ABC model. In this model, you outline an “Activating Event,” a “Belief” that resulted from the event, and a “Consequence” that resulted from the belief. Here is an example:

• Activating Event: My wife yelled at me when I got home from work last night. She accused me of working late to avoid talking about our lost daughter.

• Belief: I thought she was being unfair. I believed she didn’t want me around.

• Consequence: I felt judged and unwanted. The conflict made me want to avoid her even more.

Many couples find that as they gradually open up to one another about their grief, as well as how it manifests in their marriage, their compassion and empathy for their partner grows. They are better able to identify the source of certain behaviors or attitudes that they previously dismissed, judged, or misunderstood. As mentioned above, enlisting the help of a professional counselor can be immensely helpful in this vulnerable process.

If the first grief model does not fit your experience, consider this alternative model: numbing, yearning and searching, disorganization and despair, reorganization. For more details on this model, see this article.

2. Externalize the problem.

Child loss is often accompanied by feelings of immense guilt, shame, and blame. Parents may be tempted to blame themselves or their partners for the death as they grapple with feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. It is important to remember that oftentimes, guilt is our attempt to maintain control over uncontrollable problems (i.e. If it’s my fault, I can fix it). Guilt is also a manifestation of immense care and a desire for justice (i.e. Someone deserves to pay for this tragedy—it may as well be me/my partner). 

In some ways, guilt can even help parents maintain a sense of connection with their child (i.e. If guilt doesn’t constantly remind me of my child’s death, I’ll lose them a second time). Although guilt can be borne of positive intentions, it can also wreak havoc on your ability to fully grieve and move forward.

In the midst of these warring emotions, it can be helpful to reorient your view of your child’s death; simply put, view the problem (your child’s death) as the problem rather than yourself or your partner as the problem. As you reshape your thought and conversational patterns around this orientation, you may find the following reframes useful:

• Today my guilt made me want to blame myself.

• Last night, my guilt made me lash out at my partner.

• How is my guilt affecting my interactions with my partner?

• When my guilt isn’t taking center stage, how does my view of myself/my relationship change?

Externalizing may be especially helpful in situations of pregnancy loss or stillbirth, as expectant mothers often report feeling defective or ashamed as a result of their experience. In these instances, coming to view one’s body as a victim of loss rather than a perpetrator can go a long way (e.g. “My guilt wants me to blame my body for the miscarriage, but my body is suffering as much as I am”).

Externalizing the problem helps couples to move from self and other blame to a mutual understanding of the loss(es) suffered. This process of externalizing leaves room for the initial grief as well as related issues, such as the guilt reactions described above.

3. Identify values or symbols your child represents

The death of a child is often considered senseless. The meaning you assign to your child’s death, however, plays a large roll in their legacy as well as your ability to cope. Although your child is physically absent, they can and do continue to impact you and your family in tangible, positive ways. Their presence in your family left an indelible mark, and it is your responsibility and privilege to bring that impact to life. 

As such, you may consider symbolic gifts that your child provided for you or your family, such as the gift of humor or compassion. You may also think about and discuss how your child shaped family values as a whole.

In this process of assigning meaning, you may find it fitting to place an icon or other symbol(s) in your living space as a tangible reminder of your child’s living legacy. For instance, on the mantel next to your child’s photo, you may place a pair of binoculars or guidebook to represent their spirit of adventure. This simple yet symbolic act can help your family to remember the positive emotions, experiences, and values associated with your child so that your memories of them are not one-dimensional.