Considerations and Resources for the Grieving Couple: Moving Forward in the Wake of Child Loss. Part 1 of 3

The death of a child isn’t included in wedding vows or prenuptial agreements. It isn’t touched on in premarital counseling or relationship self-help books. In most cases, it simply isn’t mentioned at all because, in most cases, it doesn’t have to be. However, the radio silence surrounding child death often leaves grieving parents disoriented and alone, questioning whether their burden necessarily isolates them from the rest of the world, or even from one another. 

Although you’ve likely landed on this page due to unspeakable tragedy and sorrow, the information and resources below will hopefully provide a buoy of support as you weather the storm of child loss with your partner.

The Problem

The symptoms you or your partner may experience as a result of child loss are as diverse as the circumstances that led you here. Regardless, there are some commonalities to child loss that shed light on the grieving experience. In the wake of a child’s death, you may experience:

• Shock, confusion, or numbness

• Anxiety and PTSD

• Depression and suicidal ideation

• Immense guilt, blame, and shame

• Longing to be reunited with your child’s physical presence, which may manifest through searching for your child or hanging on to personal belongings

• Traumatic images of child loss

• Continued cycles of grief as your child misses milestones

• Alienation from your partner, extended family, and others indirectly affected

• Hardships with your other children, such as dealing with sibling grief

• Marital issues, including misunderstanding of your partner’s grief and reduced sexual contact

• The internal or external pressure to “move on”

• Disorientation and roll loss

General Approach to Healing

At first blush, the sheer variety and magnitude of grief-related problems is enough to make anyone falter, questioning their capacity to bear the load or even step foot on the path to healing. Some may even fear that pursuing healing involves a betrayal of their lost loved one, a compartmentalization or suppression of their experience. 

However, often in the case of grief, the exact opposite is true: it is in the radical acceptance of you and your loved one’s grieving process that restoration can be found. Unfortunately, many relationships suffer strain in the wake of child loss as both partners conceptualize, and at times misunderstand, their own as well as their partner’s grief. As you consider how to strengthen your relationship during this time, the following intentions may be helpful:

• Gain a more concrete understanding of your own grief as well as your partner’s: Grief has a variety of manifestations, and a “mismatch” in grieving styles between partners can often be misinterpreted, causing conflict. Therefore, it is important to understand your own grief as well as that of your partner. This may include an exploration of extremely painful feelings including but not limited to: isolation, anger, blame, shame, guilt, fear, or even nostalgia. This may also include exploration of secondary issues related to grief (e.g. Has parenting become more difficult? How have relational patterns such as sex, quality time, and spending changed, if at all?) This process requires radical patience as you and your partner reacquaint yourselves with one another’s hurts.

• Expand your validation, compassion, and empathy for your own grieving process as well as that of your partner: This involves nonjudgmental, reflective listening as well as an understanding and acceptance of how your partner’s grief differs from your own. Oftentimes, this kind of empathy is demanding, especially as you continue to nurse your own wounds. As such, regular check-ins and positive interactions with your partner are required to balance out the heaviness of difficult conversations. Additionally, marriage and family counselors can be an excellent resource to help you and your partner facilitate intimate sharing, reflective listening, and accurate empathy.

• Reach an acceptance of your own grieving process as a living, changing entity, as well as the grieving process of your partner: It is normal for grief to change over time, especially as you cope with the various stages and milestones your child was unable to experience. Accepting these changes entails learning how to move forward with your grief as opposed to moving on from it. This will likely involve some form of meaning making out of the death and grieving process, which may be gained from existential or spiritual exploration. During this stage, it may prove fruitful to make specific plans with your partner regarding how to live meaningful lives despite your loss. Additional thoughts on this topic are explored with insight and humor in this TED Talk by Laura McInerny.