The Four Horsemen — Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling

2014-08-15 17:20:51 CPCC Blogging Team

    Head’s up, folks, if one or more of the Four Horsemen is present in your marriage, you need to read this article!

     One world-renowned marriage expert claims that when he notices the presence of the Four Horseman — Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling — coming between spouses, he predicts, with 90% accuracy, the demise of that marriage.

     Dr. John Gottman, a research-based couples therapy expert, who was named one of the 10 most influential psychotherapists of the past quarter century by Psychotherapy Networker in 2007, developed the concept of The Four Horsemen as an indicator of a highly reactive, non-empathic marriage, that is more-than-likely going to end in divorce. 

     The Four Horsemen are destructive patterns of turning against, and/or away from your partner, rather than turning toward him/her, and into the relationship.  They are toxic, and if left unchecked, will quickly erode all positivity in your relationship, and strip away any sense of well being, joy, satisfaction, and commitment.

The purpose of this article is to share and indicate to you the toxicity and need for help, if any one of these Horsemen is present in your marriage.  This article will not go into detailed definition of the Horsemen.  However, it will provide a small explanation of each, so you are able to assess whether you have toxic patterns — or one or more of the Four Horsemen — in your marriage: 

      Criticism: Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint! The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize. 

     Contempt: Treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The purpose of contempt is to cause ‘the other’ to feel despised and worthless.

      Defensiveness: We’ve all been defensive. This horseman is almost always present when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel attacked, or accused unjustly, we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. Defensiveness is often disguised as explaining, qualifying, justifying, and/or trying to convince ‘the other’.  Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take them seriously, trying to get them to buy something that they don’t believe, that we are blowing them off.

     Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, and does not indicate his/her return. In other words, stonewalling is when one person shuts down and closes himself/herself off from the other. It is a lack of responsiveness to your partner and the interaction between the two of you.  Rather than confronting the issues (which tend to accumulate!) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors. 

     When any of the Four Horsemen are present, the opportunity for both Intimacy, and Empathy — two vital ways of connecting — is lost.  Our team at Community Presbyterian Counseling Center’s Sexual Recovery Program (SRP) views sexual addiction as both a brain and an intimacy disorder/problem.  Addicts tend to not do so well with either empathy, or authentic intimacy (oftentimes not modeled in their family of origin); and addiction, by its very nature is compulsive, usually unconscious reaction to environmental, or internal stimulus (just as the Four Horsemen are).

     Also,  all Horsemen can easily, and quickly become a habit; and be called in when unconscious, unacknowledged, emotional triggers come into communication and conflict, just as addictive behavior/acting out is called in to ‘help’, yet ends up wreaking havoc and becoming very, very damaging. 

     I’d like to encourage you  — take an honest assessment, check for the Horsemen in your mind and marriage; if they’re present, consider checking in with one of our therapists to find out how you can relieve that (or those) Horsemen of duty, and start bringing about a positive, loving, long-lasting relationship.

Couples