Supporting Preteens- Responsibility and Independence
2022-09-22 00:00:00 Sarah Carter
When kids start to go through puberty, there’s so many changes that happen. They obviously are changing physically and have a surge of hormones in their body, but there is also a substantial change in how they are functioning both cognitively and emotionally. These kids begin to think and feel in ways that they never did before, and it can feel overwhelming. They begin to understand sarcasm and abstract thought, they begin to feel attraction to peers, and they start to become wholly focused on themselves. This apparent selfishness may be frustrating to those around them, but it’s a developmental stage that does come to an end in early adulthood.
For the parents and caretakers of these new preteens, the intense emotions, mood swings, and self-absorbed behavior can be very challenging to handle. All of a sudden, your sweet, caring child has turned into what appears to be an entirely new person, and they are just confused as you are (but often too self-conscious or scared to admit it!). These preteens do still need parenting and guidance, as much as they may balk at that, but it often changes in tone. Limits, expectations, consequences, and responsibilities may change, and learning to grow your parenting style with your child can be tricky. There is no one way to do this but focusing on the adult you are trying to raise can help you keep your eyes set on the end goal.
If your goal is an independent, motivated adult, then hopefully your child can spend their preteen years beginning to take on more responsibility over their routines and schoolwork. If they do not get to practice and potentially feel the natural consequences of their actions (a bad grade for procrastination), then they may go into high school and adulthood only knowing how to be motivated by others. Obviously, kids this age are still learning these skills, so that’s not to say that 6th grade is suddenly sink or swim, but slowly allowing them to take the reins of responsibility over their life can be impactful. They gain skills, strengths, and a feeling of competency that shows them how much control they can enact upon their life and the world.
Kids this age are also desperate for independence, and safe, small steps towards that are helpful for their development. This looks different for different families, but maybe it’s a bike ride to the park with a friend, or staying home alone if they’re deemed mature enough, or learning more independence in the kitchen. Preteens often want more control or freedom than is age-appropriate but giving them lessons on safety and slowly giving them control in a few areas can help the power struggles shrink. All in all, the preteen age is a challenging stage, and giving yourself and your child grace as you navigate all of this is hugely important!
Sarah Carter is a Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor #6982. She is supervised by Lisa Lewis, LMFT# 112889.
Parenting, Children and Teens