A Lesson in Listening Part 1: If Listening is So Important, Why Don’t We Do It?
If you’ve ever looked into scripture for guidance on how to listen well, you’re already well ahead of the curve. However, you may have found that most biblical passages center around God’s listening to us, not on us listening to each other. As it turns out, humans are pretty bad listeners, and we aren’t often used as positive examples of listening in scripture! Rather than discourage us, this discovery can inspire us to look to Christ as a model for listening and to call upon the Spirit as we attend to our family’s and friends’ stories, stories both of well-being and of suffering.
God’s Attending Ear
A passage that encompasses a central truth about listening is Psalm 34:15: “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry.” This scripture mirrors Psalm 130: 1-2 as well as many other verses that are quoted and requoted throughout the New Testament. It captures an important theme in the Bible—God’s presence with and responsiveness to our distress. As Christians, attunement and attending to our loved ones’ suffering is simply a reflection of the attention God repeatedly extends to us.
From a counseling lens, attachment theory beautifully conceptualizes what it means to attune to another: full presence and responsiveness to someone’s verbal and nonverbal cues. This requires a mental availability that can be demanding and, at times, draining. As we respond to a seemingly endless list of tasks–racing from work to the gym to our children’s soccer practice–it can seem utterly unrealistic to extend a listening ear to our partner, child, or friend at the end of the day. However, if we are to prioritize listening and attuning well to our loved ones, it’s possible that other, less important commitments may need to take a backseat. Yes, that’s right, listening is not only a relational skill but a commitment, one that requires ample time and attention.
The Importance of Listening
The New Testament names listening as a central task for believers, doubling down on scriptures about listening in Proverbs and other Old Testament books. Specifically, James 1:19-25 explores listening’s implications for Christians. It begins by declaring that Christians “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). This verse displays an intimate knowledge of human nature; all too often, we are slow to listen and quick to advise due to our own anxiety and need to fix others’ problems, real or perceived.
Additionally, the passage in James demands that we curtail our autopilot tendency of listening just long enough to respond. Rather, we are to submit to a paradigm shift: listen longer than we need to and say less than we are expected to. This will enhance our ability to extend accurate empathy and feedback to others. I find it interesting that anger is also mentioned here, as though being quick to listen will naturally give way to more patience and less assumptions about others’ thoughts, feelings, actions, or intentions. As Christians, being slow to make assumptions is key to truly hearing someone as opposed to selectively listening while attending to our own inner dialogue.
Common Blocks to Listening
The first issue to address in our quest to improve our listening is to identify the things that are preventing us from doing so, otherwise referred to as listening blocks.
See the following list of twelve common listening blocks (as enumerated in Messages: The Communication Skills Book), identifying those that most apply to you:
Comparing another’s content to your own life and deeming yourself either better or worse in a given area
Judging another’s content by assigning a moral value and subsequent condemnation or praise
Advising involves making plans to fix another’s problem without being asked
Daydreaming about something else entirely out of boredom, confusion, etc.
Rehearsing what you will say next
Sparring involves debating or discounting another’s perspective before it is fully understood
Mind Reading involves making assumptions about someone’s underlying thoughts or intentions
Identifying excessively with another’s content
Placating by offering excessive reassurance or praise
Filtering another’s content by listening only long enough to respond
Derailing involves changing the topic entirely out of boredom
Being Right involves active argumentation, criticism, or accusations
After identifying a few listening blocks that apply to you, practice simply noticing them in your daily interactions for a week or more. You may choose to monitor this exercise in a notebook and consider the following questions: Under what conditions am I most likely to succumb to [listening block]? Do certain topics or people cause me to resort to [listening block] more than others? What feelings am I trying to gain or avoid when I succumb to [listening block]?
When you feel you have sufficiently tracked the conditions that hinder your listening, you can visit Part 2 of this blog post, which will equip you with tools to better attend to those you care about.