Why You Can’t Force Feelings (And What to do Instead)

Have you ever wondered why difficult emotions are so hard to move past? Have you found that the harder you try to kick them to the curb, the more they persevere? If your answer is yes, there’s good news in spades. 1. You’re normal, and 2. there’s a better way. 

When discussing feeling identification and processing with my clients, I usually resort to a metaphor. Let’s say you’re relaxing at the public swimming pool when you notice someone flailing around and gasping for air in the deep end. Immediately your fight or flight kicks in–this is an emergency after all, and the person can’t be left to their own devices.

Quick as lightning, you run over to the drowning person and shove them under the water; they’re making such a fuss, and they’re disturbing everyone’s time! Of course, the person fights harder and screams louder upon being shoved under, causing you to push back with even more force. Eventually, the kicking and gasping stops, and you pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Crisis averted! All seems well except for the insignificant detail of a body floating in the pool. This will likely prove difficult to explain when the authorities arrive.

Now, let’s imagine the drowning person is your difficult emotions, and your shoving them down is your attempt to “get past” these emotions. Yes, it’s a dark example–but hopefully one that sticks. We’d never willingly hold a drowning person underwater! We’d accept that the momentary “disturbance” of their drowning is much preferred to their watery doom. In the same way, the acceptance of our difficult emotions often, paradoxically, leads to their resolution.

If the drowning metaphor didn’t stick, here’s another: feelings are the opposite of fire. When they have room to breathe, they usually shrink. Ironically, it’s the suppression and denial of our hard emotions (often done subconsciously in the name of “getting over it”) that typically causes them to grow and rage out of control. After being ignored for so long, it’s no wonder our fear, sadness, anger, and hurt want our attention so desperately!

The question then becomes, how do I let my emotions breathe without letting them get the better of me? The acceptance of hard emotions is counterintuitive. When you first begin to lean into these feelings, your brain will likely tell you in flashing red letters, “Stop! Danger ahead!” However, reminding your body and brain that you are safe can slowly untrain the part of your brain that views them as a threat. When your brain stops fighting your feelings, your feelings stop fighting your brain, and you can begin to accommodate difficult emotions without being overtaken by them.

Here are a few suggestions of how to give your feelings some breathing room:

  • When you sense a difficult thought or emotion coming up, pause. At your soonest opportunity, rid yourself of distractions such as your cell phone or other people, and simply sit and notice your emotions and any corresponding bodily sensations.

  • Invite difficult emotions into your consciousness one by one. You may even give them images, colors, or names in your mind. You may pose questions to them, such as, “How are you feeling right now? What do you need from me?” Do your best simply to observe these emotions and their underlying needs without judgment. 

  • Sometimes, our bodies need a physical outlet for emotional energy. You may find that running, dancing, stomping your feet, or squeezing your fists allows for a release of this energy.

  • Artistic outlets such as writing, music, or art can also provide space for your emotions to reside in your presence without taking over your head space or body. 

The list above will hopefully function as a springboard as you discover effective emotional outlets unique to your personality and temperament. If you find these difficult emotions persist and get in the way of your daily functioning, getting professional help from a licensed counselor may prove immensely beneficial. 

The next time you’re drowning in hard feelings, take a breath or two, and lean in. You may find that you become a better swimmer with time.

Tori Agawa

Marriage and family therapy trainee supervised by Brent Robery, LMFT 100423.

https://www.cpccounseling.com/bio-tori-agawa
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