Walking with the Grieving During the Holidays

2016-11-11 03:02:06 Makenna Clements

I recently heard a fascinating podcast about the human mind as it pertains to consciousness. At one point, the speaker abandoned his train of thought for an intentional digression on nostalgia and its effects on the human body. He went on to divulge that the experience of nostalgia- and its association with sentimentality and affectionate feelings towards unique aspects of our pasts- has been shown to physically warm the human body. This finding was especially significant given the fact that so many of our holidays are situated around the Winter Solstice. I can’t remember the last time I had such a strong “It all makes sense now!” reaction.

And while nostalgia has the power to bring with it the “warm fuzzies” we know and love, it has an equally harsh flip side. We can’t quickly forget that the holidays and their uncanny ability to connect us to our pasts also bring reminders of people and things we have lost, are no longer a part of our lives in the way they once were, or have otherwise significantly changed. In other words, the holidays are a time of grief.

I, like many of you I’m sure, find myself confronted with how to best walk alongside those faced with intense grief, especially this time of year. No situation is the same, and no person is the same, so there is no one way to go about doing so. My hope is to illustrate a basic framework for best approaching these interactions.

Just Be.

The bit of research and ground work I have done on the topic pointed to the consensus that primarily, people just want a safe person to talk to. To sit with. To simply pause and be with wherever they are emotionally. You don’t need to solve their grief (you won’t), you don’t need to find the perfect thing to say to make the grief go away (you can’t). Just let them know you’re there and available to listen, and when you do, be slow to speak.

With this, don’t underestimate the power of the occasional “Thinking about you” text or call in the moments you think of them, or on those days you imagine are especially tough.

Join with them in their grief, but don’t make it all about you.

I am a firm believer that we can use our own experiences of suffering to bring healing and peace to others. It’s what Jesus did for us on the cross. That said, it’s ok to share how you might be able to relate to their experiences and feelings, this can be healing and powerful. However, we must avoid the the temptation to make it all about us, to insert a blasé “everything happens for a reason” sentiment that means little to nothing in the moments of our most intense pain, or to jump into our own experiences of grief without acknowledging how hard things might be for them in that moment.

A good indicator: the ratio of time you spend doing the talking versus the other person. Let them set the tone for how much talking is done- or not done. This may mean a visit from our favorite friend, The Awkward Silence (you’ve been warned). Embrace it!

Be cognizant of inadvertently putting the burden on them to take care of you.

An easy mistake to make- perhaps subconsciously- is to look to the other person for affirmation: Am I helping enough? Am I doing this right? Am I being supportive enough? Albeit innocently, having this mindset can lead us to look to the other person to affirm our care-giving abilities.

A more subtle way this happens is when we ask the other person to let us know when they need us. This has the potential to set them up with the fear of “putting you out”. Sometimes, it's ok to tell someone when you’ll bring them that coffee, or what time you’ll pick them up for dinner to chat. Worst case, they’ll say no thank you. No harm, no foul.

The worst thing you can do is nothing at all.

I will never forget the day one of my theology professors made this statement while talking about his own experience of grief. So what do you do if you don’t know what to do? Ask! Ask your grieving friend, family member, fellow church goer, whoever it might be what they could use from you in that moment, and be prepared to respond accordingly. You’re heart and genuine concern will inevitably shine through.