Parenting Roadblocks: What We May Not Realize We're Doing

As a parent myself, I know we all strive to do our best. However, unbeknownst to us, we may place invisible impediments in our child’s path—hurdles that can impact their ability to thrive emotionally. Through my work as a therapist, I’ve encountered several of these challenges. Here are a few key ones to consider:

1. Lack of Prioritizing Your Own Mental Health

Balancing work, family, and social life in the fast-paced culture of the Bay Area is understandably challenging. Often, children are swept up in the hurried pace we set for them, which can take a toll on their mental health. While we may be quick to recognize their need for therapy and are willing to invest in their well-being, our own mental health often takes a backseat. We might excuse ourselves, believing we have control over our anxiety. However, research shows a reciprocal relationship between children's cortisol levels and their parents’ anxiety—when parental anxiety increases, so do their children's stress levels. On the other hand, when parents prioritize their own mental health, not only does their well-being improve, but it also positively impacts their child’s behavior and emotional resilience.

2. Lack of Trust in Your Child

I know this is a broad statement, and I don’t want you to walk away thinking that you should remove all boundaries or restrictions for your child, that’s not what I’m advocating. What I am saying is that we need to view our children through the lens of trust, rather than assuming they are always out to deceive us.

Children, especially teens, deeply crave trust and respect. When we withhold that trust, we create a significant obstacle in their mental health journey. This may stir up doubts and fears: “But they’re not worthy of my trust! You don’t know what they’ve done.” And you’re right to have concerns.

But here’s something to consider: God entrusted us with our children, believing we were worthy of that responsibility. And yet, have we always been perfect parents? This perspective can help us approach our kids with a posture of humility. Additionally, remember to continue providing opportunities for your child to grow in trustworthiness.

3. Parentification

Have you felt that there was no one else you could confide in but your child, using their shoulder to cry on, not once but repeatedly? Or perhaps you've been so busy with work that your older child has regularly taken on the responsibility of caring for a younger sibling? These are examples of emotional and instrumental parentification, respectively.

The term "Parentification" was coined by family systems theorist Salvador Minuchin in 1967. It describes a phenomenon in which parents shift their parenting responsibilities onto their children, resulting in a role reversal.

Emotional parentification occurs when a parent, emotionally depleted by factors such as addiction, mental illness, or unresolved past issues, is unable to meet their child’s emotional needs. Instead, the child is placed in the role of fulfilling the parent's emotional needs. Instrumental parentification happens when children are asked to take on household tasks or other parental duties that the parent is neglecting.

In both forms of parentification, children are forced to set aside their own developmental and emotional needs to attend to the parent’s welfare. Studies show that children who experience parentification often grow up to take on caretaker roles in their adult relationships and may struggle with boundary-setting and emotional distress regulation.

Though the above three aspects of parenting may strike a delicate chord, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Awareness is the key to change, and when parents take even small steps to apply what they’ve learned, change becomes inevitable.