Let's Talk About Sex: Keeping the Spark Alive while Trying to Conceive

2016-04-16 17:38:46 Mackenzie Sodestrom

In preparation for our Sexpectations conference coming up this month, our April blogs will be focused around different stages and phases of healthy sexuality.

Our sex life naturally changes as we progress through different seasons of life. For the 1 in 6 couples who experience infertility, months and years of trying to conceive can easily overshadow the joy of pleasure and connection during sex, creating a particularly challenging season in the bedroom. This disconnect may become painfully obvious as trying to conceive often requires more sex, though couples may feel more distant. The monthly cycle of pressure and disappointment is like a wound that never fully has time to heal. The stress of infertility is far reaching: it can be emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, and relationally exhausting. The stress can build walls between the couple, and romance drops. The spark that was once present in the bedroom can be snuffed out by ovulation tests, semen analysis, test results, doctors appointments, medications, and the like. “Honey, I’m ovulating, let’s do this right now” doesn’t have quite the same allure of romantic initiations made earlier in the relationship. Fertility treatments are anything but sexy.

Here are some tips for keeping the spark alive while trying to conceive:

1. Intimacy is more than sex. If done well, navigating the rough waters of infertility can be a hugely bonding experience for couples. So much raw emotion and grief is surfaced from the process. Share your dreams, grief, pain, and hopes together. Use this season to learn how to deeply care for and understand your partner. Each partner will likely grieve and struggle differently, and that’s okay. Processing together will foster a new level of intimacy. The emotional bonds will create a deeper, more intimate experience of sex when the time comes.
2. Talk about your expectations. It is important that both partners are on the same page about what each hope or expect about sexual time together. Expectations may need to be renegotiated, which may be a disappointment for both partners. Talk about what the experience has been like, how you’ve felt, and how you like to connect moving forward.
3. Be intentional about sex for fun. Schedule time to physically connect outside of your fertile period. Intentionally shift your mindset for conception to connection. Create a romantic environment that can foster fun and playfulness. Get creative!
4. Prime the romance outside of the bedroom. Marital researcher John Gottman found that small, everyday moments of connection are much more important to romance than once a year big celebrations. Get flirtatious outside of the bedroom, do small acts of service, compliment one another, write notes, go on dates, etc. Emotional connection primes the pump for romance!
5. Take baby breaks. Trying to conceive can be all consuming. Set 1 day a week as a sabbath from the process -- take a break from researching, scheduling treatments, planning, and talking about it together. Fill that time with connecting activities that remind you of your history as a couple, that you love each other, have shared interests, and enjoy spending time together. Cultivate your friendship. It will strengthen your bond to survive infertility and make you better parents one day.

If your season of trying to conceive or infertility has created a rift in your marriage, reach out for help. It’s important to process the grief and shattered dreams that comes with infertility. We would love to walk alongside you in this journey.

Sexual Recovery, Couples, Women, Men, Mental Health, Infertility, Sex, Marriage