Covert Narcissism

Being a narcissistic person is limited to only those who lash out in violent rages. A covert narcissist holds the same internal characteristics as the more violent narcissists. However, they have learned that the aggressive and overt behaviors are not acceptable to the types of people they wish to be around and even date. Their internal rage comes out in much more subtle ways. One of these ways is through invalidation.

Invalidation is an extremely damaging form of emotional abuse, whether they intend it or not. Do not overlook it or take it lightly. His absence of empathy and understanding caused him to invalidate us over and over. Our feelings were rejected and diminished every single day. He robbed us of our right to matter in this world, his world and even our own. This is usually because they were robbed of emotional needs, traumatized, abused, or neglected as a child. That does not excuse their behavior or mean you don’t have to protect yourself from emotional harm.

You simply don’t matter to them, and they communicate this to you through their words, looks, body language, and even silence. Through their little subtle ways of communication, you feel like a nothing in their world. They tell you that you matter, but their way of treating you tells you exactly the opposite. This might be in invalidating emotions, always saying what you are doing is wrong, and that they always know better, and you know nothing. These types of putdowns can be subtle, and they may try to say, “that’s not what I meant” or “you’re being oversensitive,” but do not fall for it. Whether they mean to hurt you or not simply doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse and abuse is wrong, always.

So, what do you do? Is this abuse? Does it justify walking away? Maybe it isn’t all that bad. Emotional abuse is just as bad as if he/she punched your lights out, whether they mean it or not. Yes, you can stand up for your feelings, and you can leave, even if that’s leave the room, talking a walk, seeing a counselor, or leaving the relationship. Even if you believe that he/she does not intend the harm. Your feelings matter. Your opinions count and are worth respecting. If you would give a best friend or child your best advice, you should follow it for yourself. As always, reach out for help if you need it.