Appreciating Children as God Has Wired Them: Reflections on a Performance-based Culture

2016-08-30 03:46:05 Makenna Clements

Perhaps nowhere is the concept of the “performance-based” culture more evident than in our very own East Bay. From athletics to academics, social acumen and the arts, being a child who noticeably excels is a baseline expectation. Unsurprising, given our proximity to success both in our literal and metaphorical backyards (I’m looking at you, Silicon Valley).

This raises an important question: how do we balance our desire for children to thrive and succeed, while keeping in mind the truths of who God designed them to be? If we push too hard, we run the risk of damaging their self-confidence, cultivating a “Nothing I do is ever good enough,” mentality. If we don’t push hard enough, we fear repercussions for their independence or an inflated sense of entitlement.

With this, it is important to consider how we perceive God is often an extension of how we perceive our parents. If we focus solely on acknowledging a child’s successes, we communicate their worth and value in our eyes comes from an ability to perpetually perform. In the same way, their identity and acceptance in the eyes of God becomes less about His grace and more about perfect behavior.

My advice? Challenge your kids. Encourage them. Yet, empower them to take ownership of their efforts by identifying for themselves why hard work and motivation in a given area may be important/beneficial. Model what it looks like to embrace failure not as an identity, but a learning opportunity. Explore what it is they have a proclivity and passion for as opposed to projecting onto them our own desires of what they should do or who they should be.

By all means, don’t let them off the hook from working hard, fostering important values, and being decent and Christ-centered human beings. But instead of playing the comparison game, identify the appropriate bar of expectations from within them, recognizing that just like you, God created them with utmost intentionality. And just like you, God has them exactly where He wants them to be.

My last tip (for your own personal sanity): heed the same advice for yourself! Avoid the tendency to compare your “performance” to that of other parents and families. I can promise you now, you won’t always succeed. I can also promise you, you aren’ t the only one. 

Parenting, Children and Teens, Women, Men, Mental Health, First Time Parents